My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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