We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
