dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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