Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
