nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
