I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
how does that bad decision feel?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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