The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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