i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
