No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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