FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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