10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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