I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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