the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
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