how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
is that a dick in a sweater?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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