Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
