It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
