i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
