I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
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