update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
