You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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