My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
