I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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