I am spending my child support on dildos
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
