Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
