Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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