I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
