I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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