I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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