we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And then he peed in my hair
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