I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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