So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
