At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
