quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
