Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
