My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
