it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
