Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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