i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
