someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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