Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
