Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
