I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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