I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
