my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
