I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
