The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
