Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Someone signed my nipple.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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