I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
