Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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