There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm getting married
To pizza
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
