You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
