I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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