Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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