There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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