I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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