his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize