it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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